“Marriage is hard!” “Marriage is work!” “My husband is a slob who never does the dishes!” “My wife nags me constantly to do the dishes!” said every married person ever. Marriage is challenging, according to most (honest) married people. But it has many benefits, as well, or people wouldn’t remain married despite—and throughout—these challenges.
Someone asked long-term married couples of Reddit: “Whats was the worst low you’ve had and why didn’t you leave?”
These 15 people who have been married a long time share the biggest challenge they’ve experienced in their marriages, and why they decided to stick it out:
1.) “It’s important to recognize why a behavior is happening.”
From Suspicious_Sassafras:
11 years married. Worst low was he was being a complete a**hole (Screaming at 8 y/o) to one of my younger kids and when daughter (18) stood up to him he tried to sell her dog as punishment. Didn’t leave him because I recognized a PTSD episode and got him help. I think it’s important to recognize why a behavior is happening. This was NOT his normal behavior. He’s former police officer and this was when he had to walk away from a career he loved. It was HARD, but he was willing to accept help and has stayed in therapy for 2 years now.
2.) “Both of us are children of divorced parents.”
From LowkeyPony:
Married 20 years this coming week.
Lowest point was when we almost lost the house, and had to file bankruptcy. Our daughter was a toddler, my husband had lost his job. My job was not enough to carry everything alone. Money was tight for what seemed like forever. I was angry. He was angry. But we stuck it out. Both of us are children of divorced parents, and we didn’t want that for our own daughter, or for ourselves. I didn’t want a divorce because I trusted him, and after what I had been thru in my first marriage, I knew that this marriage was worth fighting to keep.
So we cut things back. We drove shit cars for years. We didn’t buy new clothes for anyone but our daughter. We applied for as much assistance as we could- and found out that even on just my salary we didn’t qualify for shit because we only had the one child. We were turned down because I made $126.35 too much. We went on payment plans with the electric company. And I found a mechanic that would also allow payments on work done.
We are still in our house. We now have cars that don’t need repairs every other week. He has been with his company for over 12 years now. The majority of that time has been WFH. Our daughter is graduating high school near the top of her class this spring, and is heading to college in the fall. We have taken a few vacations in the last couple of years. We have money in savings, and in investments. If either of us had walked away, it would have been disastrous. For both of us. But especially for our daughter.
It was rough for a good long while, but we are still together. We love each other, and both of us can say without hesitation, that we are happily married.
3.) “I left the Mormon church.”
From victorioushack:
I left the Mormon church.
For Mormons that frequently means divorce. Temple marriage and the priesthood are a big deal and she assumed that if I was leaving the church it meant I was leaving her too. It was incredibly stressful. I had been pretending to believe since we got married and I figured finally telling her all my feelings would actually make her leave me, after all, no more eternal marriage, broken covenants, “inactive” father to our children, how would she be treated by neighbors/family/other members, etc. I was working two poor jobs at the time and in college. We were barely scraping by even with a good deal on our rent, I was always stressed, and often gone. Our families weren’t supportive about my decision. Our neighbors judged. My wife was judged and pitied on every Sunday she went alone.
I didn’t leave her and I never planned too. She didn’t leave me. My wife respected my choices, supported me, and ultimately she ended up leaving too, a few years ago now. I was at the lowest point I had ever been in my life due to the church and leaving it was the best thing I ever did for myself.
It will be fourteen years married and sixteen years together this year. We’re happy, we’re doing well, and our children are thriving.
4.) Less money, mo’ problems.
From demoniodoj0:
21 years this July. I think it’s a mix of good times and bad times. Honestly, the worst moments have been when money’s been scarce. That brings he worst out of people. We actually separated once about 9 years ago, we were arguing non-stop and my wife ended up feeling trapped and decided to move out with our youngest.
We got over it by working on ourselves and rekindling our relationship, took several months to fix it. On my side, sometimes I too feel trapped for some reasons, like pulling too much weight at home, being the one taking care of more stuff than her, but in the end it’s just stupid things. If I left I don’t think I’d ever get what I have now. A marriage is not roses always, it takes a lot of effort, compromising, respect, and communication. And lots of sex, not joking.
5.) Enemy of the mate.
From Ok_Huckleberry6820:
We have been married over 20 years and had a lot of stress and times when everything around us went wrong. But the lowest point was a time when there was nothing really wrong in our lives, but we grew apart, and each of us seemed to feel that the other person was the enemy. But we were able to work our way through it because I think we both knew it was the best option for us both.
6.) In sickness and health.
From aubor:
F married to M for over 25 years. When my son was 10 he got diagnosed with a brain condition. I became obsessed with taking care of him. Three years later he was diagnosed as stable and it was the first time I felt he wouldn’t need surgery.
That’s when I realized how neglectful I had been to my husband. He was kind. He still loved me. But he thought I didn’t love him anymore. We separated for a while, but every time I brought up divorce he would say no. I wanted him to move back, but he would say to give him time. We didn’t talk for about two months. And then he contacted me, begging for my forgiveness. We began to date again, eventually he moved back home.
I’m telling the facts, but the emotions were flying high. While apart, we would talk for hours on the phone. We became closer and got to know each other really well again. It was a painful refresher class. I hope we never take each other for granted again.
7.) “Having babies was not good for our relationship.”
From Bay-Area-Tanners:
Married almost 14 years. Having babies was not good for our relationship. We had three kids in quick succession. My hormones were out of whack for about five years, and he wasn’t great dealing with small kids. There were times when I was counting down the days until I could go back to work and save enough money to leave, and I caught him googling divorce statistics and how to get a divorce.
We worked through it. Even on our worst days, even when I wanted out, I just kept thinking how much I’d rather have him in my life than out of it. I don’t know why he decided to stay.
And even though 2020 was rough financially (he was laid off twice and I wasn’t working much), it actually seemed to bring us closer. I’m so glad that we stuck it out. Things are never going to be perfect, but I’m very grateful to have him.
8.) First year was the worst year.
From billionthtimesacharm:
16 years coming up soon.
darkest moment was probably the first year of marriage. new city away from her family and friends. stressful job. and i was working during the day and going to school at night for a masters degree. she cried. a lot. but we made it and we have been forever grateful for the time we have together, knowing how awful it was when we couldn’t be together.
9.) Mom and Dad don’t always know best.
From tempthethrowaway:
Was about a year in, and I ended up taking off for a hotel for a few nights. Why? Because I had my toxic, abusive parents and their cronies constantly calling me and telling me how awful my wife was. They’d tell me how she was sick in the head and keeping me from them (I’d cut them off) and that she was abusing me. It got in my head and she suggested I take a few days away, without my phone, to calm down.
I made it til 4am that night, realized my parents were terrible people and my wife was wonderfully supportive of me. Called her and went home immediately.
Been going great ever since.
10.) “I resigned myself to a life of depression and disappointment.”
From somerandomneurons:
Married for 14yrs this summer.
About 2yrs ago, I realized that while i was trying to pull my wife out of depression, I slipped into it myself. There was a lot of resentment over a specific decision she had made years ago without my knowledge or input that affected us both. That resentment boiled to the surface when she wanted to undo that decision (again without my input, but with my funding). This, coupled with months of nonstop arguing, culminated in a 2hr long marriage counseling session where the counselor looked her in the eyes and told her that if I walked away he would understand completely.
We have 4 kids. I wanted out of the relationship but couldn’t find a way to do that without losing my kids or destroying their lives. I resigned myself to a life of depression and disappointment.
After a year of that garbage, we got our shit together and really improved things. We were able to focus on us more than the kids for once, and things look stable right now. There are bumps in the road, but it has looked a LOT worse.
11.) ‘Till depression do us part.
From Vox_Popsicle:
Married 24 years now.
Fifteen years ago, my depression got bad. Usually it manifests as dark humor and swearing; that time, it was fury, frustration and vicious emotional aggression.
My wife put up with it for a year. I remember my then-young son asking, “are you angry again?” with such a sadness that it tore at my heart (and reinforced to me that I was worthless, not helping the depression).
I was never physically abusive, but I’m ashamed now at the brutal pleasure I felt when she cried.
Finally, finally, I listened to my wife and talked to my doctor. They eventually got my meds right, or anyway close enough that I was back in my right mind.
We stayed together because my wife is stronger than you would believe, and she knew that her real husband was hidden under all that cruelty. She kept us together. I’ve been grateful ever since.
12.) “Wherever you go, there you are.”
From moinatx:
Nearly 40 years. Lowest point. Realizing I’m a pessimistic realist married to an eternal optimist when the shit hits the fan. 2nd business failure, having to move out a house I liked, again. Family drama, work drama, feeling stuck in routines and groups I’d long ago outgrown, kids with health issues and crappy insurance.
Why stay? Because great kids and husband is a decent human being. Because wherever you go, there you are. My sense of despair and disconnection wasn’t about anybody except me.
13.) “The lows push us together.”
From ProudBoomer:
30 some odd years here. There have been lows. Health scares, a child with a disability, unemployment, etc. The thing is, the lows push us together. I’ve got her back, she’s got mine. It’s a given that if something in life gets us down, we face it together.
The times that were the worst in the marriage were the times we let it get boring. When we quit dating and fell into ruts of not appreciating what we’ve got. Take advantage of the calm times to build a relationship that will last during the storms.
14.) Saved by the song.
From Khajiit_hairball:
My wife and I were going through a real funk. We were stressed out, and not getting along very well. Money was a big issue. Things were down to almost nothing in the bedroom. I was just sick of the relationship.
And then out of the f**king blue an old high school crush PMs me on Facebook.
We get chatting… we start getting really flirty… a week goes by, and we’re talking dirty and planning to meet.
On the day we were supposed to hook up – literally hours before our rendezvous- Unsteady by X Ambassadors comes into the radio and I suddenly can’t stop thinking about the kids, and how I grew up with no dad in the picture.
I felt so stupid and selfish. I was about to destroy my marriage with their mother for a piece of a*s.
I called it off, went home and asked my wife to sit down. I told her everything.
She was upset of course, but we began talking about our problems and they got a lot better.
Now we’re doing amazing, and I’m so glad I didn’t fuck up.
Every time I hear that song I’m reminded of it.
15.) When a crush is a wake-up call.
From LandlockedOcean:
I (female) have been married for almost 20 years (to a man.)
Our lowest was about 5 years ago when we had kind of grown apart a bit and while we still loved each other we weren’t super close. We had stopped talking much. I felt unappreciated. Then I made a friend who told me they had a crush on me. The friend and I started flirting. Nothing really happened with the friend but it was a wake-up call to both my husband and I that if we wanted to stay together we needed to put in the effort. We did and are in a better place than ever.